Easter Sunday

It was a great morning service and also quite a good afternoon service. I felt like crying and touched. But the most important thing is that God is glorified.

But I have really disturbing thoughts and feelings.

I feel weird. Confused. Bemused.

Like I don't know what on earth I'm here for.

Knowing God, makes me know that I have a purpose, but something makes me feel like I don't know and don't wanna know.

It's like I don't want to do anything.

I also think a lot about my past now and am quite disturbed by it. I know I am redeemed and that God has forgiven me as Jesus was crucified.

But what disgust me is that I don't feel and do the things that I say.

Even though when I sing, I am really touched by the words.
Even though I feel God today in church.
Even though I feel His presence so strongly.

I have this willingness to reject Him. I feel like I want to push Him away. Even writing this makes me feel like crying.

I don't know and I don't want to know.

Whatever. I just need to draw close to God. But what if I also don't wanna do that?

What I want to do now is just to shut down...