Orthodox

I miss Hillsong. I wish people has a less orthodox, ancestral approach to social life. I mean, how more vintage can something be? What's worse is that that person does not even come face to face to tell it to me. I would respect that much more, but now, no matter who that person is, I am already biased. Go on, tell me that I need to pray, go on tell me that I am not being Christ-like. Tell me whatever right thing it is. Or tell me that I'm wrong, tell me that I need advices. Tell me I haven't been listening to God. Tell me that these are things that I have to change! Tell me that I can do it, I can change my approach to things. I don't need to view things just like this and I can have this have that. Have bull, have crap. Any of you who knows what I'm talking about and are reading this, go on, tell people. Go on, tell me that I'm wrong. I'm always wrong anyway. I wish I am in a community where people do understand. What? Do I have to be the person who understands other's situations all the time? I mean yeah fine, I am very very selfish. I know that, I am egoistic. My dad told me enough times, I don't need to hear it from you guys anymore. But if you have the itch to judge me that way, go on judge me, like I care anymore. But you can't tell me I can't do that. I need that, that's my way and if you have different approach, then good on ya. If you are willing to change that, then good on ya. But I am not, because I think it's one of the most beautiful thing. There is something really arty about it. Reall ybeautiful and joyful and hopeful. But, now I definitely am not going to do any of those anymore. I'm sick of decrepit people who silently complain when they don't have the nuts to tell me directly. I would swear right here, but I have learnt not to do that. I know I used to swear a lot, but I've stopped. I did change. Is that a reason why I should change this too? No thank you. I know I won't be comfortable if I change, and I will be more comfortable if i stay. But what use is there to change if that would cause me to fall down emotionally. I don't care anymore, I just am sick of this. I cry out to God asking him for his help. Everyone told me to do so anyway. Like what I am doing is such an issue that can cause a big boom of crap going on. I am tired of this, but whatever God tells me, I will do. At this moment I have no answer yet, but I will listen to him. I do, I do want to surrender to Him. So just come and take my anger away. I need You to anyway. Even so, at this moment, I wish I am not here, I wish I am in Hillsong. Or I wish that I never knew. I'd rather not know someone is talking behind my back than knowing that someone is talking behind my back.